Five Reasons To Go To Church

By Morgan Martinez Gee

Side Note: This is not made to make fun of other religions or people who do go to church, this is strictly for entertainment purposes.

What do you do on your lovely Sundays? Well, you should go to church. Especially at [REDACTED]. They treat you all w̶̗̲̭̝̭̬̘͎̅ͯ͐͐e̷̞̪ͧl͕͎͂͋ͫ͡ͅl̸̝͚̆̉ͣ̈́. 

Number One:

Free Food

At [REDACTED], there are plenty of employees that are dying to help you. We make cinnamon rolls everyday, along with many other delicious foods! Some may include steak, eggs, muffins, and y̷̤͈̙͍̫̩̬͌ͫo͚̥̖͖̬̩̭̜̍̀u͖̘̳̳͖͉̓̓͟r̮͓͕̃͛̉͝ ̤̩͓̻͖̜͉̓̿͟bͭ̐̾҉̞̦̫ȑ҉͖͎ǒ̹̪͚̝̰͍͍̽ͥ͟ṭ̴̩̻̬̩̪̺̞͂̔ḣ͐̎̆͏̞̘e͔̪͓̜̩̲ͯ͜r͓͓͛͋̕. Haha, just kidding. He would taste terrible.

Number Two:

Free Shelter

We pride ourselves on our open rooms. We can shield you away from the scary world, and help you see the real ţ͕̮̰̹̳͗̃̐ͣr̢̗̪͍͎͓̖̣̙ͦ̈ų͈̗̮̈̅̈́̅t̴̤̯̺͚̪ͫͅh͙̹̥͆̐̊ͤ̕. And, before you assume what you’ve heard is true, no, we have no correlation to Jͣ̔͏̬̞u̥̯̠̹̻̅͊́͟s̶̘̥͋t̨̜͉͉̤͂͋ͮ̓į͓̻͔̳̦̖̲ͥ̂̌ṋ̗͙̯̣͂̑͠ ̻͈͕̻̺̀ͣ̑͢ͅB̶̰̜̰͖͓͕͖̘ͧ͆ͮ͋l̤̹͎͖̠̘͗ͪ̇̀ȃ̢̳̦̹̝̼̏̏̚c̸͇͚ͩk̷̩̪̱͉̹̘̦̇̃. Yes, he had stayed here before, but we had no correlation. 

Number Three:

Cleanse of Your Sins

We know all the t̙͍̞͎̪͇̝͊̐͝w̸̥͚ͧͣ̈i͉̲͔͙͓̅ͤ̕ṣ̷̞͉̎t̮͇̝̙͍̿̆̌́e̴͓̜ͧd͔̳̭͔͖͎ͧ̽͜ things you do all day. Go to our church and we can h̩͉̬͎͙̆̑͜ë̶̱͎̻̬̙͖ḻ̸̘̺̈́̎̏̚p̸̲̺̱̲̩͍̉̍̒ ̝͙̻̐̕y̢̫̯͎̪̻̪̫̓̏̇̚o̬̝͍̙̖͊̎̔͞ų̰̖̜̪͋ͣ̽̓. 

We can help you.

WE can help you.

Number Four:

Job Opportunities

We always need some help to fix t̲͙͎̻ͯͦ͑͟ḩ̺͎̜̻̭̠̭̲̃͌̑ͬo͌͗͏͖̩̳̻s̼̫̞͔̹̬̣̹̐̏̓ͩ͞e̠͙̣̠̊ͧ̂͝ people. We feel bad for the people raised wrongly, thinking those queers are okay. We pride ourselves on our ability to c̞̞͕̬̹̫̰̱̆͞h̴͉͚͚͓̘͋͂͊a͔͙͓̙͚̭͂̆̍͋̕n̡͔̭̤̹͔̦͈͐g̨̼̟̻͙͎̈́̓ͤ̀e̬̺͋͐̚̕ them.

We can fix them

We can fix him.

We can f̙̟̪͔͈͚͓̞ͨ͝i̴̖̝͉͓̟͖̐͐x̮̭̣̞͋̕ him.

Number Five:

W͍̪͈̉ͦͧ̀ę͎̺ͥ ̴͇̦̜̩͎ͬ̋̍c̦͈̗̯̭̰ͫ͐ͫͨ̀ą̺̪̞̱ͮ͌ͩn͕̤̒͝ͅ ̛̫̹̮̙͈͖̿̎̅̂f̩̱͍̣̜̝͔̩͌́ĩ̛͙͓̣͖̺͎͑x̣̺̦̦̞̺̟͕͂́ͧ͋̕ ̧̘͉̪̱̏y̦̙͔̥̞̎́̚o̟͇̬͓͎͈͚̞̎͠u͔̞̪̬̻̮͉͐̄̊͡

We can f͓͓̞̭̪͍̓͘i̳̫̙͗͆͜x͎̦̻̫̙͔̎́ everything

We can f͓͓̞̭̪͍̓͘i̳̫̙͗͆͜x͎̦̻̫̙͔̎́ you

We can f͓͓̞̭̪͍̓͘i̳̫̙͗͆͜x͎̦̻̫̙͔̎́ him

We can f͓͓̞̭̪͍̓͘i̳̫̙͗͆͜x͎̦̻̫̙͔̎́ them

We can f͓͓̞̭̪͍̓͘i̳̫̙͗͆͜x͎̦̻̫̙͔̎́ anyone

We can f͓͓̞̭̪͍̓͘i̳̫̙͗͆͜x͎̦̻̫̙͔̎́ anything

We will f͓͓̞̭̪͍̓͘i̳̫̙͗͆͜x͎̦̻̫̙͔̎́ anything

We will f͓͓̞̭̪͍̓͘i̳̫̙͗͆͜x͎̦̻̫̙͔̎́ EVERYTHING

f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡f̠͙̼̩̙́͛ͪ́͜i̦̯͒͜ͅx̵̻̪̙̠͓͓̾̋̄͑ ̧̩͕̱̘͍̟̮̊ͥ̔ͅë̸̙͉ͦ̇̚v̱̻̥͇͔ͧͫ͝e̍͏̞͇͍͚̻ͅȑ̵̜̮͇̩̳ͮy̷͕̞̖͙̟͕̜ͭͩͥͅt̹̘̩̦ͭͪ̽̀̚h̟̫̏̔͝i̢̦͚̼͖͖̲͖̐n̷̥̰͍̈́͆g̣͙͐ͤͮ͐͡

J͖̱̻̤̫̤̪̬͑̍͜u̧̘̩̩ͨ̽ͮs̺̺̟̞̒̅͑͗͜ṯ̸̬̠̦͓̠̞ͣ̆̓ ̢͕̙̽̉̈̍ͅl͇͈̖̜̩̳̬̔͌ͥ͟ĭ̶̪͙̻͙͚̰̟͖k̭̠̐͗ͣ̀ẹ̤͚̻̰̓͌͜ ͇̻͔̠̗͉̪̗̊ͨ͌͡ẁ̠̘͎̜̩̼̍͌̒͡e͖͉ͥ̋ͧ͝ ̡͕͍̜̓̽f̵͓̦̖̪̮̗͍̫̈́̓͛̓i̶̥͓͎͂ẍ̮̪͔̯̘̱̻̤ͮͩ͝e͈͇̟̟̟̭͈̽͡d̷̫̲̱͈̩̈͗ ̸̮̯̤͚̼͚ͭͨ̄ͭy̖̼̅͗̉͘ͅo̲͉̦̤͈͛̾͜u͉͈̦̯͒͢

If you’re interested in helping at [REDACTED], please reach out to 1-800-pleasehelpuspleasehelpuspleasehelpuspleasehelpushelphelphelphelp

Pictures Used:

Food

Shelter

Cleanse Your Sins

Job Opportunities

H̨̦̱̤͎̆̄e̡̫̝̭̤ͦ͆̏ͅl̗̝͈̆̒̆ͯ̕p͍̥͉͎̪̬̗͑ͮ͞