I’m what people like to call a wine connoisseur. I travel the country, even the world, searching for the best wine in existence. The catch is that I don’t drink wine. I’ve never even been in a ten foot radius of wine, but I’m still a connoisseur. I have special steps, sure I have yet to put them into practice, but perhaps with my help you can be a wine connoisseur too. 

In an interview, I was asked how I was a wine connoisseur if you don’t know anything about wine? And I told them, if you believe in yourself you can be anything. Some people choose to be astronauts or police officers. I chose to be a wine connoisseur because it seemed like a good time. Anyway, without further delay I will tell you my secrets. 

Step 1 – Look

The first thing you have to do when being presented with wine is to look at it. Afterall, if you don’t look at it, it could be just about anything. One time I thought that it was wine, but in reality it was cough medicine. Granted that made much more sense because I was very ill and I had removed the cough medicine from the cabinet. But, I didn’t look at it and at that time I forgot it was cough syrup and not wine. Biggest disappointment of my life. 

To at least sound like a wine connoisseur you just pull up a thesaurus to describe the color. The harder the word is to pronounce the better. 

Step 2 – Smell

Next you’re going to smell it. I’ve never smelled wine before, but if it smells anything like those old mushy grapes in the back of your fridge I think it’s good. It’s probably wine you’re smelling or it’s just your fridge in the middle of summer. If it doesn’t smell like old mushy grapes then it might not be wine and instead might just be grape juice or worse cough medicine (I just can’t let it go). 

Now to reach the level of a wine connoisseur you just have to say it smells like something good. “This smells like wet wood”. “Oh yes, this smells like fresh rain on the beach”. “The smell has hints of the good laundry detergent and fresh pool floaty plastic”. I promise that things like that will make you sound super professional. 

Step 3 – Taste

What you’re going to do next is taste it. When you taste it you’re looking for it to taste like old grapes and not just purple. If you’re wondering what I mean by purple I mean what is advertised as grape flavor with candy and sugar drinks. The old grape flavor is what you want. I know that makes it sound disgusting, but that’s what wine is. Very old grapes. 

To make yourself sound like the amazing wine connoisseur that you are, you have to do very similar things you do for smell. Talk about the things that it might taste like or have hints of. I’ve heard some people like hints of chocolate or other fruits. Personally I like hints of gasoline or metal. Only a brave wine connoisseur tries the strangest wines and you’ll find they’re the best. 

Step 4 – Feel

The next thing you have to do is feel the wine. I don’t mean drink it and feel how smooth it is or how thick it is. I mean just stick your fingers into the drink and feel it. If it’s wet, it’s probably good. If it’s chunky then you probably shouldn’t drink it, but you probably won’t die if you do. If the wine is in a gelatin-like state don’t drink it. Granted you probably wouldn’t be able to drink it since it’s gelatin, but you should never have to chew your wine. 

The wine connoisseur tip is knowing how different wine’s feel when they’re completely liquidy. Just by feeling it with a finger you should know how old it is, where it was made, and the company that made it. If you aren’t able to get all that from the feel then you’ve got a lot of practice to do. Don’t worry, you’ll get it eventually. 

Step 5 – Listen

The final step is to take time to listen to the wine. I don’t mean listen to the sloshing it makes in the bottle, I mean the stories it tells. Good wine will tell you so many stories. The older the wine the more stories it will have. One time I heard that wine helped give information they put in textbooks. The wine told stories about the first time Star Wars was shown in theaters. Wine told people about World War I, the Great Depression, and World War II. 

The only people who hear these stories are wine connoisseurs. Granted the wine doesn’t start talking until after the wine connoisseurs have a couple glasses, but it seems legit. After all, the wine and the person have to get to know each other before stories can be shared. 

Anyway, as I mentioned I am a wine Connoisseur. Maybe not because I drink wine, but I know all the steps, which in the end gives me the title. What’s my takeaway from this lifestyle? Well… Would I choose to be a wine connoisseur again in a different life? Probably not. Do I regret being a wine connoisseur in the first place? Probably not. It’s a time consuming and expensive lifestyle, but I think it’s worth it. And now you too can be a wine connoisseur. It’s a great conversation starter at parties. Tune in next time for more advice with Erika.